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I remember one of the first times I questioned why I didn’t follow my intuition. We were visiting Colorado and I went out to buy a few things and while driving back to the hotel where my family was staying, I deliberately turned right at an intersection although I had a strong impression I should had gone left.
Needless to say, I should had gone left as my gut feeling had originally indicated. It is pointless to even recall how many times in my entire life I didn’t follow the voice of intuition, gut feeling or knowledge.
A few days after meeting my now ex husband I was impressed with the notion that I should run away. I didn’t. The marriage was turbulent and we divorced many years after. It helps to emphasize that not always the reason we should run is because the other person is not good.
My children are who they are because of the parents they have. In that regards my marriage was a blessing. Nonetheless the pain I inflicted on myself and others around me for choosing to not obey the small voice is something worth sharing.
Although I am pro therapy and pro understand my past, it is no longer possible to continue to blame childhood upbringing on the mistakes I made or still can make. It is a cheap way out of responsibility for the today and tomorrow’s.
The habit of doubting my gut feeling started as a child. My desires or feelings were never heard or disrespected or misunderstood, so in that respect I grew up questioning the small voice that tried to guide me. I simply didn’t trust. Partially it was for lack of confidence or for the habitual need to reason with it. The habit of reasoning brings a lot of confusion and deception to the truth. Addictions destroys the soul!
The biggest challenge for me as a Christian ( I become a born again in my late 30’s) was to find God’s will for my life or to hear God’s voice. I can accurately say my indecisions, mistrust and self doubt got magnified as a Christian. It was as if pressure came from myself and from God to perform. I felt double judged or hesitant to take the wrong turn.
The moral questions was easy to know, not to steal, not to kill or fornicate and so on and so forth; but what about what job to take, what city to live, what apartment to stay or not to stay, what time to call a person, or what time to approach a person with a difficult request, etc.
It was a journey to understand, to reconcile what I already knew in my heart with the knowledge of how God speaks. It was a process of learning how He specifically speaks to me. In my case it is through peace. Even when the choices have cons on both sides, there is always one choice that brings more peace than the other. It was a process of getting to know God is not judging me or pressuring me. He is kind, merciful and patient with ever mistake, ever indecision and ever question I may have.
He doesn’t speak to me in a audible tird person voice. It is not like “Lucianeeee…do this..” He is in my heart, His spirit guides me, it is as if the impartation of His knowledge comes to me either via another person, an article, or whisper.
The most recent break through in this area came in relation to where I live. My townhouse lease was ending last year. I had a strong impression to move out.
The rent was a bit too high and my neighbors and I didn’t get along. They can get annoyed with the food I cook or the noises I make, although I am seldom home and the noises I make is due to normal living such as showering, open and closing the front door or cooking.
I went against my gut feeling reasoning that I didn’t have the money to move, it wouldn’t make sense, etc. It turn out to be a living hell staying. It has been six month of unrest, pain and plain discomfort going home.
Thankfully this experience served me as a reminder that I can no longer afford to deny the signs. I just have to trust God and the prompting of the Holy Sprit. If I pray asking “Lord should I move or stay”? and within a few days I feel that moving is a better course of action. Then, I should just do it. By not following the lead, is an act of disobedience or pride.
God opposes the proud but favors the humble. May I continue to grow and stay sensitive to the gentle whispers of my Lord and have the courage to step in faith despite fears of the unknown.