Date or not to Date?

In the walks of life, I often run into people that boldly asks me: Are you dating anyone? Are you married? Do you have a boyfriend?

I was under the impression those questions are very private.  What triggers the woman at the nail salon or different customer at my restaurant, or the acquainted in church to ask me those questions.  I run into this situation quite often frankly.

By normal standards I am a pretty attractive woman. I am not sure what normal standards are but I still hold some of my Brazilian “ginga” what is hard to translate since ginga is a slang. It is a certain confident walk and a way of carrying yourself. I also eat healthy, exercise often and despite my 47 years of age I do have a very young look.

I separated in 2007 and divorced in 2010. In all divorces one party gets injured the most; and in my case I was that party.

My mother immediately started a campaign to encourage me to date telling me how beautiful I am. What makes people think that beauty is pre requisite for dating?

I was a bit disgusted by the idea of dating, I felt inadequate to date, didn’t feel beautiful at all.  I think I was in a numb state in which most of my life was a movie in the screen and occasionally I would play a part in it.

I cultivated my domestic skills, I dove into reading more books, worked full time and did some therapy that some days I thought the therapist needed more help than I. Lets not forget therapists are human, not God.

One day I awoke up and 5 years had gone by without dating or “having sex”.

All of a sudden I felt the pressure from left and right to date. I wanted to trust God but at the same time my faith was been tested. The pressure intensified. If it wasn’t from friends, acquaintances, customers, it was from myself pressuring myself “why are you not dating?” Then it was my mother, even my children now wanted me to date. I began to question what’s wrong with me?

So just like a teenager I opened the doors and let the wind blow and allow anyone everyone anything to take me out for dinners, coffee, lunches, a walk in the park and I even had a date at the dog run. Really!

It was all great and fun but to my amazement I didn’t t find any of those man attractive.  Was I sexually dormant? Was I too picky, too critical, too judgmental? What has happened?  Maybe I needed a frog to kiss me but in America there are no frogs. Should I go back to Brazil where frogs are bigger than kittens? I didn’t want a Brazilian frog… I wanted an American handsome frog.

In the end I found someone that attracted me. I also realized many components were not into place. Someone forgot to teach me a few steps. Thank God I know a thing or two about gardening and food so I can teach a thing or two about this dating stuff.

My “lover” boyfriend, date who knows what to call… brought me to the realization that I can have better sex than ever, that I can be treated in ways that I was never treated before, that it is possible to be respected as a free thinker with my own opinions and desires, that it is possible to stay awake all night long listening to the same taste of music and share the same passions about cultures, faith and other countries. Yet…if the time is not right the seeds and the soil will not produce the harvest we want.

I discovered 3 crucial things for the garden of love to bloom:

– Anger

We all have anger from past circumstances,  past relationships, events, rejections of a job or even  anger from many incidents that happened in our marriages. Anger is simply a sign that we have pain somewhere. I can get angry when I am tired or get angry when I am frustrate. It is important to face anger, deal with it and try to practice turning anger into a positive sign. Something that needs to be addressed.

How can a problem be resolved if we don’t know we have a problem? Remember anger is a healthy emotion that it was put into our computer system for a reason. Anger can be healthy but most of the time we hold on to it instead of dealing with it in a respectful mature way.

Anger in my opinion is the number one problem. People are angry at the economy, at the country, at their ex, at the fact they wasted years in a marriage and now it is all gone, angry at how this or that happened. I was angry at my marriage. I had and sometimes still have anger towards my ex. It is totally counter productive and unhealthy to my own body and not fair to people around me. Anger is like weeds in our garden. It consumes what is beautiful in us.

-Forgiveness

Hurting people hurt people. We hurt others because we were hurt ourselves, forgiveness is not to say we should forget but understand that it is by setting other people free from our anger and bitterness that we set ourselves free. They may have hurt us, nevertheless they have their problems and issues. It is all a learning process, it is all part of our journey.

What doesn’t kills us,  makes us stronger. I choose to let it go of the past. One of the best ways to practice forgiveness is by praying sincerely for that person’s life asking God or the Universe whatever you prefer to bless them emotionally financially and spiritually. It is not easy but a fundamental part in our own healing. Not to mention the  forgiveness of ourselves for the choices we made knowing that it is all good.

-Get your BS together

“B” stands for basics. We all have basics. The house or apartment you live in,  the car you drive, your children (if one is leaving for college like mine was ) it was very emotional and it affected me tremendously .

Get your basics together. Make sure you are happy where you live, bills are paid, and you are happy going home. If you are struggling financially to the point that it is affecting your peace of mind it is not the time to date.

The basics are very important. It may appear to be a simple paper but don’t date if you are not legally divorced. It is not fair to the person you are dating and despite what people say, the emotional link is there.  If you die tomorrow, it is your legal spouse that they are going to call.

“S” stands for standards or in other words what do we really want.

What I will not settle for. I want companionship, friendship, sharing of the same values, respect of my dreams desires and my individuality. Do I want a man with small little children? Do I want someone that hates to travel? Are they negative, make inappropriate sexual comments?

Take time off to learn what you want. What type of a person is going to help you to grow.  In my case one of the fundamentals requirement is a person that is growing as an individual, looks after his appearance and considers retiring in a different state or country among other things.

Date or not to date is not the question.  The question is: Does the time, the season, the seeds are all in congruence to date?

In my case it wasn’t. I did learn indisputable lessons about myself, man, life and God!

Have “dates”

Luciane

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